Is it meant to work like this?
It disturbs me nearly two years on that I still find it so difficult to step back, that I am still so obsessed with you, that your growing independence doesn’t correlate with anything in me; that I am therefore clearly on the way to being a Suffocating Mother. I think – I should have more of my brain back by now, I should care more about more other things by now, I should be able to relate to the world like (it looks as if) other parents do. I meet people and talk to them about their work and their ideas and at some point it drifts into the conversation that there are children as well – oh, how old? and boys or girls? oh that’s great (because it always is), and something more about the children, and then the next bit of conversation, and so on. That’s how it’s meant to work. Isn’t it? Either we are all going around keeping these obsessions secret, or everyone grows out of it sooner or later, or everyone else grows out of it sooner or later. People must grow out of it, or how does all this adult-centred activity keep going? How is so much talk tolerated? How are we not too tender-hearted ever to make decisions that hurt people? How do we manage our compassion, how do we avoid panic and anger, how do we abstract? When you look at it, the world is mostly run by parents; so presumably they have all grown out of it, because I do not trust myself to run anything while I’m like this.